Who am I - My first post after surgery...

Dale's been telling me I should post something ~ you know, "my first post" ~ after surgery. I've been avoiding it because I haven't had anything positive to say. Pretty much everything on my mind is negative and I'm having a really hard time seeing the good side. Today I'm trying to feel good and rather than sitting here watching TV, I thought I would give it a shot. So here I am and this is my list of good and bad.

GOOD:
1. Dale. He is everything to me and all these years later, I still don't understand why he's picked me ~ but I am grateful everyday. He is kind and smart and beautiful (not pretty) in every way. I can only hope to one day be even half as good as him.

2. My tumor was not cancer.

3. I survived surgery.

BAD:
1. Walking is hard. I can walk by myself now but I have to give it complete focus and it's annoying.

2. I can't hear out of my right ear or I should say, the only the only thing I hear is really loud buzzing (static, humming...not really sure how to describe it). After I'm in a room with lots of noise, it's even louder and oh......it's annoying.

3. My hearing in my left ear is good in fact, it seems like everything is even louder. Things get to be too much. There are no soft sounds anymore.....it's annoying.

4. I am hungry for protein constantly. If I wait too long, I feel sick. It's annoying.

5. When I go from standing to sitting or sitting to standing I get a major head rush. It also happens if I try to bend down. I've learned to pick things up with my toes so I don't have to bend down as much. Stupid ~ but true. It's annoying.

6. I hear my heart beat in my left ear. I can usually ignore it except when I exert myself it gets very loud. It's annoying.

7. Looking to the left is hard to do and it does not feel good. I think it's because of the muscles they cut on my right side.....too tight!! It makes me a little dizzy and it's annoying.

8. Sleeping stinks! I'm a stomach sleeper and it's not comfortable right now. If I sleep on my right side, it feels really weird because my incision is still very sensitive and my head is still kind of numb. If I sleep on my left side, I can't hear (good ear). If I sleep on my back, I wake up with a really uncomfortable stiff head/neck. It's annoying.

9. My head feels like I have a bag of sand in it. Very heavy and awkward. Can't really explain it but it's kind of disorienting. My head hurts when I walk too hard or if it's jolted at all or if it shakes or if I'm on a bumpy road. It's annoying.

10. I'm tired a lot. Very annoying.

11. My face hurts when I open my mouth (not funny) ~ my lower jaw hurts. Not sure if it's muscles or sinus'. It's annoying.

12. I'm sad. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say but it's new and not pleasant. I'm sad and I cry and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know ~ I get it. Two steps forward and one step back. Blah, blah. I'm sick of hearing it.

I really don't think of myself as a person that over exaggerates pain or discomfort. I have a pretty high tolerance for those things but this is so much more than I was prepared for. I find it interesting that in all of the paperwork and discussion of the surgery that the only information about what to expect after surgery is one small single sided list that tells you not to blow your nose and to keep your head elevated and to call them if you have a clear discharge from your nose. Okay...still not sure the difference between a runny nose and clear discharge! When I see the doctor and ask about my list I get no real answers...."could be a few weeks ~ could be a few months". Hello??? Not comforting. I work much better in black & white. Not real good with the grey area and I would think that they could come up with some sort of average?? I guess I'm asking for too much! I'm supposed to go back to work in a couple weeks and I just don't see how on earth I'm supposed to do that! Sitting at a desk ~ in clothes ~ bathed ~ in a big room ~ with bright lights ~ and noise ~ for 8 hours! I know it's important to be positive and I know it's still a couple weeks away and maybe things will change ~ but it makes me sick to think about it. I love my job ~ my coworkers are great and my employer is great but this just seems hopeless to me right now. Heck, it will take me forever just getting from the parking lot to my desk. Do I bring a chair and take a break half way to my desk? Lovely! What about my house? I have painting to do and wallpaper to strip and flowers to plant. Hmm....real easy to do without bending down! Last weekend Dale took me to the grocery store. I felt totally disconnected from it. All these people swirling around me ~ loud and fast and bright. It was very disorienting. Supposed to try it again tonight. Yuck.

So, I guess my first post ended up being a rant and if you've actually read it and gotten this far ~ thanks for listening. I will try to come up with something a little more positive next time.